Confirmation After Thoughts

It has been quite some time since I received my confirmation.. & I just noticed I did not insert an entry about my after thought..

Well, I was both happy.. & sad..

-HAPPY-
I am happy.. because this long awaited day has finally arrived... Yes.. after waiting for about 7 long years.. (including straying for 3yrs w/o God by my side).. The journey is long & I really thank God for "allowing" me to stray away.. If I am to receive confirmation 7yrs back, w/o fully understanding the actual meaning of it, I may not be here serving Him now..

It is the thrist & desire for Him over the past years that made me go in search for Him & the Truth.. to know Him more & to build our relationship.

I could still remember how Shaun, Josephine & others had tried forcing me to go for the confirmation parents meeting tt evening but I just shut myself in my room, refusing to go. I told Brother Emmanual that I was not ready for the confirmation & I would like to have more time to prepare myself for it. I really do not know what was going on at that time.

Yes, after that year, problems came & I was drifted further away from God.. I hated attending mass because I hate to see families attending mass together.. because my family does not.. It is just jealousy.. or the better term to use is envious. Furthermore, I was in retail service & I usually have to work on both wkends. So, this definitely serves as a gd reason not to attend mass.

However, whenever I am "at peace", I will "contradictingly" drag myself to church.. because I believe I have to return to my shepherd. This happened several times a year & I often ended up crying in the main church hall.. At my own free time (during the 7yrs), even though I was drifted away from the Father in a way, I would still go online often in search of "His call". But I am still lost.. I was unable to see the light. I was struggling with myself in the dark dessert. With no food, no water.. no light..

It was until last year, when I began to thrist for mass.. thrist for the Eucharist.. & I started returning to church.. alone.. I read in a book that I need to take the 1st step if I want to return to Him. It is a 2way communication. God wanted to speak to me but I refused to talk to Him. So, how to make things work? right?

Well, the next thing I know which happened, is so beautiful. Before I was post out of my outlet, I had a new boss. My boss is a Catholic too.. Surprisingly, although we know each other for merely 2mths, she became my Godma. She has taught me how to be faithful servant of God.. & how to attend mass despite tight schedule at work.. She has been a very understanding lady who understands what I was going through & dutifully sees me through my confirmation last month. The best gift ever. God definitely has planned all these. She is someone whom I share all things.. Everything.. simply all things in my life.. She never laughs at my silly decisions nor does she joke with my mistakes. She is just that beautiful especially when she teaches me how to pray.

Now, its like.. on every wkend, I will get to finish my work early.. somehow or rather, which I do not know what happened as well.. I will always finish work at abt 4pm or so.. & I will always be able to reach SJC on time for sunset mass. Best still, I will always be there early by abt half hr or so.. such tt I will be able to spend some time with the Lord in the adoration room or even simply in the main church.. Unlike in the past few yrs, I always get to knock off only at abt 6pm & even thou "I wanted" to go church, I was "unable" to go.. God has definitely helped me in opening my heart to His call..

Furthermore, many people have walked with me in this journey too. People including Jonathan, Uncle Matthew.. Josephine..

Jonathan had definitely been one who is so watchful of my spiritual encounters & growths. He is always there to answer my doubts & for sure, he is the one who had brought me close to the Lord through the weekly charismatic prayer sessions at CTK.

Through this confirmation journey, I had seen how God works out every detail in my life.. how the Holy Spirit has helped me in many many ways in loving God.. and also how He has helped me strengthened my faith & to approach friends with some probs which I have.

I really appreciate the true meaning of confirmation now.


SAD
I was sad.. I was quite sad that day.. because I was just sad.. I do not know why either.. It was until I read an article then I know why I was sad.

I was sad because I have to "suffer" for the faith I have in Christ. I have to be prepared to suffer for Him. I am to bear witness to His Word & Works.. So, why should I be sad since I already put my trust in Him & honour to serve Him? I should be prepared for all these.. So why shld I be sad? Well, I guess it is just human nature to feel sad to have to suffer.

Anyway, Yes.. after I read abt the "slap" on the cheek by the archbishop during confirmation, I was "more sad" mentally.. because I had "enrolled" myself in to army of Christ & I am now His soldier to "fight".

I really thank God.. for letting me understand the truth by allowing me to feel sad on this supposedly happy occasion.. So that I can be more prepared to serve Him..

More sad mentally.. but frankly, spiritually, I am MORE than GLAD!!!!! to be the chosen one.. I would blame myself sometimes to be a cradle Catholic because I have no choice to choose my own religion. But to think back, who am I to choose when God has chosen me? I am really glad & I really rejoice that God had chosen me even before I was born.. (Isa 44:24; Jer 1:5)

Give Praise to the Lord!!!!!