Apologies + Thanks

This post is titled as apologies because there are just too many apologies to make.. esp for ppl frm Kanektas..

It has been at least 3mths since I last posted in my blog. Each time you see me here, it means that I still have God with me..(**oops**) so does it mean I "do not have Him" during the last 3 mths??

No, tt is not the case.. I still believe He is with me and is always with me.. But somehow, just too many things had happened..

I am sorry for leaving the camp halfway thro' (on the 3rd night) and not going back (as I thought I would).. This is because I was fighting a battle with myself. I thought I would need to settle myself down before I could allow God to use me.. On the day I went for the camp, I had a "minor arguement" with my mum.. It is minor because it is money issue.. Money is never supposed to be something which we shld get into a quarrel w/. However, I got SO DOWN on tt day. I'd transferred monthly allowance to mum as per normal.. but she was asking for more.. There was a small debate 'coz I had given her extra 100 for 2mths in April + May. I had given her xtra as she had paid for bro + sis-in-law's trip to M'sia and she was grumbling. So I thought it would be good if I could pacify her with tt. But she thought I had given her tt as I am increasing my monthly allowance input. So she demanded tt. I was alrdy kidda stressed over money issue as I am earning lesser now (due to change of job) and yet she wanted more than last time.

I was feeling kind of heavy & even wanted to cry when I realise tt my mum is not understanding at all. It all started with money.. & then all the hurt & pain came along.. I started to recall the pain I'd endured.. The amount of love she had showered us with was tremendous but the "biasness" she had.. The struggles which I am facing now.. my life.. my work.. my studies.. my everything.. I started to blame her on everything.. I started to feel tt I am not living my own life.. I started to feel tt life is meaningless as I had lost my reason.. The life I am living is all planned by her.. What to do, what not to do.. What to learn, what not to learn.. Where to go, where not to go.. Its all her sayings..

During the 1st 2 evenings when we were at the dorm, I was standing at the coridor.. Sadness just overflows.. Somehow I just felt something is pushing me.. ya.. pushing me on the shoulder towards the ledge.. I got a shock myself.. I'd stepped back, move backwards & I kept praying.. I did not approach you guys coz I wasnt close enough to u to share.. Moreover, everyone's so busy..

Being in Log Team wasnt tt bad.. Its just tt we are "too free" during the camp tt these things just keep coming to me.. My mind kept playing with me.. Before the camp, I was still sharing w/ Hilary tt I'd been praying for the camp.. at 5.13, I would be at St Mary's adoration room praying.. It somehow calms me down.. My working schedule was so nice.. coz when I knock off at tt time (3++pm), I would be able to reach SMOTA at tt timing.. But during the camp, its like "no adoration room" (coz still need to get keys), no pews.. no corners.. Its just too open.. I'd got no place to hide.. I wanted to cross over to SJC but "so troublesome".. still need to inform + get keys + this & tt (I am not complaining.. This is a gd system.. But for someone like me who just needed to get away, its just not gd..)

Many things were not going smoothly for me during the camp.. I think it was because I was unable to focus + concentrate.. I felt tt if I carry on, I would be screwing up more things.. eg. the games, reconciliation movements etc.. I think its partly due to inexperience.. + new friends.. But I supposed it is tt knot within myself which I was unable to untie.

On the healing night, before Martin Fernandez start.. I dont know if u guys remember what he said.. He began with this, "One of you here felt tt you are unable to forgive your mum who had brought you much hurt.. Tonight, just pray, pray for God's grace.. to forgive her.." Woh.. I was thinking, "not me not me.. I am not the participant.. God, pls ignore me for tonight.." & he proceeded on.. After his sharing (which is actually the same as YI), just as he was abt to begin the healing session, he said the same thing again.. At tt time, I was actually praying for the confirmants.. I was praying tt may they be open to God tt night and just surrender.. All of the sudden, I just felt "ear-blocked".. I couldnt hear anything.. except that same sentence.. "One of you here felt tt you are unable to forgive your mum who had brought you much hurt.. Tonight, just pray, pray for God's grace.. to forgive her.." Inner peace just flow into me.. I felt calmness but somehow I started to distract myself coz of the same thing, "not me not me.. I am not the participant.." hahaha!!

It was then when I thought I shld go back home and reconcile w my mum.. I'd left tt night.. This was what had happened to me, for not completing the camp.. I felt tt I am not allowing God to use me if the stone is not removed..

I am really sorry for tt.. for being selfish.. for not completing my service for the camp..

Before I end this post, I just wanna thank Timothy because He had confirmed God's whisper to me on the 1st night that the 4th level needs prayer walk.. I did not know tt was the 4th level.. I just know it is the 2nd level frm the top.. I just know tt its the guys' dorm level.. I saw the coridor during our prayer..

Anyway, just wanna thank all of u.. You'd been a grp of wonderful ppl.. I believe each & everyone of u are blessed to be in Kanektas.. GOd bless always!

Praise God for giving me the strength to overcome each day.. and thank God for all the great plans..

**Always Keep Him in your heart. In everything, give thanks.. for it is God's will for you in Christ Jesus..**