FEAR II

I'd wanted to post this ytd.. but I supposed the post would get soooo... long..
Well.. Tara is away for 2wks.. & "my room" was vacant as baby was back home w/ her mum.. I thought I wanted to take the opportunity to tidy up my shelves during their absence..

I was clearing my shelves & drawers on Sunday night.. when I realised tt I've always live in fear during my education yrs.. I am too comfortable in my own comfort zone such tt I'd always refused to make changes to my routine.. As I saw one big stack of letters in my drawers (which I'd deliberately kept them), I'd realised how much I'd missed out over the yrs.. just because I was afraid..

As I opened them up one by one.. apart frm the rejection letter frm NTU.. I saw scholarship invitations frm various universities in the USA.. esp when I took SAT during my JC time.. each time I rec'd my results (I took 2 times, but the results weren't tt fantastic) for SAT, I'll also rec'd letters frm U.S embassy to attend talks and open house to find out more abt education in the US.. There was once when I merely submitted a "simple reflection" in a form of poem on internet.. & I'd actually won their top33 poet award.. and I was invited to their award presentation somewhere in .. I cant remember where.. but I know its one of those caucasion countries.. they'd also offered a scholarship to me.. I was in JC tt time.. How awesome, you must have thought.. but.. hmm.. FEAR just invaded me.. I recalled how I always take these merely as "dreams which will nv come true".. & I just chuck them aside.. Apart frm the fact tt I may not have the "ability" to survive there, I guess I was just closing the options which God could have deliberately open up for me..

Till now.. then I realised.. perhaps I really shldnt blame everyone else except myself for not being able to tide thro & step into Uni.. I was the one who'd given up even b4 I attempted to try..

Frankly, it was until few yrs back.. when I realised my negativism.. Yes.. Giving up even b4 I even tried.. which resulted in my current state- ie neither here nor there.. Be it hobbies, studies, courses or even work.. I just have a little bit here and there.. and I never really master a certain skill or gain expertise in anything.. Although I'd realised tt since yrs back, I nv had the will to proceed.. I always wanted to do certain things.. but I wont do it.. It was until recently.. when I started going all out.. to strive & persevere.. to do what I always have been wanting to do..

Upcoming CCF HFH is another event which I believe will "help me" in overcoming my fears.. Its something tt I'd always wanted to do over the yrs.. but I just did not take the action because I was afraid.. My motive in participating in this is not for my own self.. but I truely wanted to help to support the children.. I'd always helped them w/ street sale or fundraising.. but not in this HFH event..

I am really glad tt God has given me the courage to take the big step.. This big step will also represent my "official surrendering to God", of giving Him my fears.. & it shall mark the startng point where I will set off w/ the courage to do the things which He'd wanted me to do.. to be free frm fears!!

**Always Keep Him in your heart. In everything, give thanks.. for it is God's will for you in Christ Jesus..**