Challenged

There was once when I shared w/ my friend that I am currently discerning my vocation.. I was challenged w/ several questions and one of it was, "Have you got the desire of becoming a Sr?" I was told that if I do not have, then the call might not be really for me coz this desire has been placed in individuals since they are young.. No desire=No call. : X

Well, I was pondering over this question for quite some time.. What does the word desire mean? I started to align and put the things together.. I started to trace my own journey..

I'd always been quite curious about the lives of Srs since I was in kindergarten.. : X well, tt's quite true lar.. I was in SFA Kindergarten and that was my 1st encounter w/ Srs & they kind of left a v v v v deep impression in me & I just wanted to be like them.. My 2nd encounter was when I was brought to attend Catechism class in Pri3.. Although I'd only attended a few sessions.. I still remember the Sr was Sr Josephine (i cant seem to rem her surname).. She still remembers me after many years when I bumped onto her on the streets.. I'd saw her @ JW hawker again sometime last yr.. & that thought triggers me again.. Well, I'd called her but guess it has been too long.. She'd forgotten me..

Frankly, I cant really remember when I got my first call.. it just come sub consciously.. w/o myself knowing when I suddenly realised that I'd found myself sitting in silently in the presence of the Lord.. & in the silence, I started asking God if that is what He wants of me.. It was just so gradual in a way and each time I asked, I'll always receive several signs over a course of several years but I just know I'd brushed it off for many times.. I'd dared to ask.. but I have no guts to accept the invitation to explore.. Probably its because I felt unworthy.. probably its because I felt I was thinking too much into it.. probably its because I'd never dreamed of it.. But the thoughts keep coming to mind & probably I did not think too much of it..

As the days pass by, I started to think.. I started to feel.. I started to read into my mind.. Has the desire been so deep in me such that I did not notice it?

I began to wonder why I kept having those thoughts that do not seem to go off.. Probably its really a call, I guess.. I recalled the moment I said, "YES" to explore the possibility, there is just this deep peace that flows within me.. & the journey began.. The journey that has brought me this far.. Everything was just so smooth sailing for me..

I remembered the time while I was still in a r/s w/ PY sometime last yr, I'd somewhat realised that I'd loved God more than I'd loved him.. & frankly, tt was one of the reasons why I broke up w/ him.. It took us much courage & years to decide to come together.. Initially we thought it could be infactuation.. & during social work, I rem he ever told me a joke, "jie, u know what? I just thought of something so silly.. I wanted u to be my gf.. I felt that I am so attracted to you & as we have so many common interests, I am sure we can be the best couple.." Of course.. we just brushed it off as a joke lar.. that was in abt 2004 or 5.. when I was still in JC.. Although the breakup gives a certain degree of pain & hurt within both of us (esp for him, as we are friends since 1999.. & we shared many common interests and goals in life), he still supported me in my pursue in what I want to do.. That is love.. Although the feelings of loneliness has made him come seeking for a patch after abt one year and tried so hard to "reason" w/ me in terms of Christianity theology, he still respects my decision.. For this, I really wanna thank God for PY.. for being someone who's so loving to give me up to God.. & so respectful towards my lifetime values and goals..

I started to recall what was on my mind..
How good it is.. if I can be @ service of God all my life w/o ppl stopping me "frm home"..
How good it is.. if I can be serving God, doing His work full time, throughout my day..
How good it is.. if I can humbly let ppl know how much I love God..coz of the love He'd given..
How good it is.. if I can be used as God's instrument to do what He wanted to..
How good it is.. if I can easily let ppl know what I'd chosen for life w/o opening my mouth..
etc etc..

To date, I'd asked myself again.. Do I have the desire? Has the desire been stirred within me during these moments over the years? I believe I can say that the answer is a Yes now.. I have the desire.. but still, I believe its still up to His will..! There is really no point if I really desire to lead a religious life but all odds are against me.. I believe all that He'd prepared/ equiped me w/ over the years are all "desirable traits" to serve Him in the most priviledged ways, the way which people just do not understand.. Even to the extend of autonomy and internalisation, the gifts etc which He'd taught & bestowed upon me over the yrs.. I'd somewhat started to believe that He'd already started grooming me since I was young..

Lord, lead me in the way You would want me to go.. I believe that so long as its Your will, everything will be done accordingly despite all uncertainties..

**Always Keep Him in your heart. In everything, give thanks.. for it is God's will for you in Christ Jesus..**