Dont Push Yourself Too Hard

Sr was telling me just now tt the L.A group has automatically put my name onto their list to be their guitarist for their subsequent mthly session.. My 1st response was.. "huh?".. followed by some.. "hmm.."

I think Sr was able to sense something wrong..

Guess its really time to consider if my heart is really there..

Just as Sr was telling me tt I do not have to feel any inclination/ obligation to be there to support.. She said I have to feel comfortable abt it.. & not to stretch myself too much.. I started to question myself if I am pushing myself too hard over the past few mths.. I'd told Sr tt I came because I happened to be available.. I'd told her abt my shifts and even for next mth's schedule.. Ya.. She just said, just pray abt it.. & see where God is leading me to..

It all started w/ a "supposedly" jamming sessions w/ the searchers.. whereby I really brought my gig.. but it ended up as an "flying kite" deal as nobody turned up.. Knowing tt I will b bringing my gig beforehand, I'd actually offered to play for tt session. This is probably planned by God.. bcoz this new journey of another direction follows.. and continues..

Well, I was automatically contacted for the next session.. and I probably thought I will be there if I can make it.. Last mth's arrangment was gd as I'd managed to catch a cab & I'd managed to make it on time.

However, ytd's session was a challenge for me as I was unable to catch a cab & there were closure of roads which consitutes to jam + heavy traffic along the expressways.. furthermore it was raining cats & dogs.. I'd actually knocked off at 1pm.. & when it was 1.30pm, I was still unable to catch a cab.. I was thinking that I might have to give the session a miss.. I gave a last pact.. I called for a cab.. If there is really no cab, I'll probably just call to inform tt I wont be able to make it as I will not want them to wait.. & my pure intention was just there to support in their hymns.. Along the way during the jams, the thought that was recurring was.. "oh no.. going to be late.." That was my reason to

Am I pushing myself too hard for this? My initial thoughts were probably:
(1) its only once a mth.. 1.5hrs per session.. not much of a "great deal" for me to offer..
(2) I wanna be there to support in the building up of community.. coz I know its not easy..
(3) I've got some spiritual input too.. no harm..

My main intention was merely to provide some kind of music support for this "newly starting up community".. Like what Sr E was saying.. "its to be there.. its to be the hope for the group of ppl who intend to keep it going.. I am just tt someone who wants to give hope to those ppl who are looking for Him.."

However, do I want it to be this way for all sessions? My journey was quite rush actually.. but probably I was thinking, its just once a mth.. it shldn't be too demanding for me.. which was why I scheduled these sessions unto my calendar.. But on a serious note, do I really want it tt way?

I was sharing w/ Jon.. He told me tt from what he sees, its more of honouring my word to be there.. to be responsible to what I promise.. Its just a matter of saying NO.. I am v happy in a way.. 'coz I know tt I have a group of friends (community) who are there to support me.. 'coz Jon mentioned tt he intends to offer to help to support music for this L.A mthly meet.. "it sounds fun".. esp the community building part.. also so as to ease my "burden" & it also serves to support me in my discernment process.. He will be informing the musicians abt it.. but probably it'll be after the journey in Oct..

Althought I am in a literal state of desolation at the moment.. I am v happy.. I am happy to know that God has prepared a community for me.. to support me to such extent.. I really thank & praise God for this community.. who are ppl who really go all the way out to support one another.

Lord.. I pray.. I pray tt may I have the courage to say No.. Help me to know what's for me & what's not for me.. May Your will be done..

**Always Keep Him in your heart. In everything, give thanks.. for it is God's will for you in Christ Jesus..**