Fingers started playing
"Oh God You Searched Me"
With No scores.. No chords.. No lyrics..
Fingers keep repeating the song,
Seemingly knowing "it will never end"..
Just simply music.. that became meditative & reflective
The brain became "emptied" gradually
& when the song repeated for the 3rd time
I was brought to the face of God
The brain was "not functioning"
As the fingers played by themselves
To create a certain ambience to enjoy the conversation
Films started to be screened in my eyes
As God brought me back to my past
Of what I'd been doing all these years..
My behaviours, my emotions, my attitudes..
That has changed throughout the years
The music continued and the film continues
All these brought to my face
No denial of truth nor hiding frm reality
That was what really happened
Thank God for showing me my limitations
& my weaknesses
For allowing me to understand
the whyS & the howS
For giving me everything
tt I have since I was borned..
For now I know where I should work on
For some reasons which I do not know why, I suddenly felt a "sense of calmness" when I was playing tt song.. & I started to reflect alot on the on goings in life.. Just after I started to "wake up to my senses", I started playing the wrong keys.. The Spirit must have guided my fingers whilst I prayed..
A person evolves through the conditions of the environment he/she was in..
An environment of luxury tt gradually became "poverty"
An environment of providence tt became self-reliance
An environment of pamper tt became independence
An environment of love tt became knowing to love
An environment of knowing to love tt became a need to learn to accept love
Its only when we accept ppl's love, then can we radiate the love tt overflows within us.. tt we want them to feel the same..
That was what I'd summarised.. I guessed this is going to be a v long post coz it just touched me by so much.. Too much just ran through my mind just now.. So, just want to apologise for the super lengthy post before you start..
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Living in "Luxury" & learning the art of giving
It all started when mum was telling me how different working lives are now as compared to the past (sometimes 2wks ago).. In the past, she would work OTs just to earn more so tt she can buy whatever we want for us.. But now, companies are not giving OTs tt easily.. I shall always remember the time when mum always helped me with school events/ activities when I needed sponsors.. 2 simple SaraLee cake (which I did not know how to appreciate during my pri6 farewell party & was even reluctant to bring to sch) was what she'd sponsored.. which ended up being the nicest "dish" in the class.. (only know today tt its not a cheap cake).. Also the curry chix (which I thought children like us wont know how to eat) which ended up being the lunch for the teachers in school & all of them were so happy.. As a mother who supported her daughter in everything she did as a leader (sch prefect, uniformed group hod etc).. Its to help me tide through the problems faced in school.. So I can do whatever I "aspire" to do.. I was deemed as one of the most fortunate student in school as I always have what I wanted (I dont mean those branded stuff etc.. coz I dont fancy tt.. but rather most of things which I want to do, I will get it..).. I was kind of like "da-jie-da" when in sch coz I always have the solutions to problems coz I have my mum.. Even when faced w/ problems in school (eg. need to buy training materials for cdts but not enough funds in sch), she will always be the one to support.. In terms of school fundraising, my donation cards will always be full.. and have the highest $$ coz she would help to ask her colleagues to help me to donate.. She's the one who'd taught me to donate from my own pocket instead of asking her for $$.. I remembered the times when I broke my piggy banks whenever the school is raising funds.. As the years pass by, it seems to me tt $$ has no value in it anymore but its the act of giving (which S had pointed out to me during our Landings sharings in Jan09) tt had caused such an impact in my life.. I believe tt's the best lesson mum has ever thought me..
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Becoming less rich financially => Growing to be self reliance & independent
It was until tt fateful day , 1week before I'd gotten my O lvl results.. when my mum got retrenched.. & all our "luxuries" just vanished.. The retrenchment which could probably be one of the reasons why I chose JC over Poly edu.. (apart frm not knowing what I wanted in life yet).. I was concerned over the school fees -abt2k per yr- and "the need to get a lappy" which cost $2k.. At the same time, bro was going to U tt yr.. my dad's cpf was alrdy exhausted in a way.. It was "freezed" as we cant take any more out.. My supposedly 3mths vacation job became a "long term" part time job for 3+yrs..
Since then, life was never the same..
I do not know what happened to me unconsciously.. Frankly, its until today.. then I realised.. its because I do not want to be deemed as being dependent on my family.. its my own ego.. (esp after what I saw my bro going thro, who was so pampered tt he did not want to work previously but just take pocket money.. my mum was loving and always gives what he wants but behind him, mum will always nag and complained.. and grumble to me coz she is no longer tt "rich" & have difficulty in providing for us..) Perhaps I do not want her to think of the same thing for me.. I ended up wanting to earn my own money and support myself & not be a burden to her & dad.. God showed me a scene abt 2yrs ago when I happened to find a letter frm MOE in my drawer.. tt letter was dated in 2003.. its stated clearly tt my mum's bank acc does not have sufficient funds for them to deduct my sch fees.. I recalled how hurt I was.. JC's fees isnt tt expensive.. To think back, I was really hurt & possibly embarassed coz my tutor had asked me abt it.. Its only now.. then I see.. how God has planned for me.. If I'd insisted on going to Poly tt yr, I might not even graduate.. As I wanted to put the past behind.. I tore & discarded the letter & I told myself tt I am not going to rely on any other ppl except myself.. True enough, w/ my own humble wages (ave abt 400-500 per mth), not only was I able to give mum some $$, I'd also managed to buy my own books (textbooks & TYS), pay for my own transport & exams, my expenses & etc.. No doubt I always fall asleep in class coz I was too tired.. I am proud to say tt I am "no longer" relying on my parents.. I think I was trying to run away from the reality tt I actually still needed my parents' support back then.. I was just trying to be someone strong & to prove to my parents tt I can survive on my own.. A v fake front.. but deep in me, I know its my ego..
Suddenly recalled how I "rebelled" against the family on tt evening, when I was supposed to meet the parish priest for the confirmation meeting w/ my parents.. I still hadnt got a Godma yet & I felt my life was in a mess.. I remembered I questioned abt materials needs vs family love.. I told the family tt all I want was a peaceful family who doesnt quarrel every single day (esp when I was preparing for my Os).. What I want is not merely a family who provides the material things but one which is happy, like what my church friends' families are.. I must have hurt my mum a lot coz she'd always supported both brothers and I in whatever we want in school.. and I just said I do not want those things.. *GOSH* I do not know why I'd hurt her this way.. But well.. I am thankful for having the courage to speak up.. coz at least they do not quarrel tt often after tt incident.
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Learning to ACCEPT Love & the other perspective of "art of giving"
I guess tt was the change in my perspective.. which resulted in where I am now.. A self-reliance & independent person.. who "rejects" the good tt ppl offer.. Perhaps it was the image of "gossiping" tt I had in mind (whereby my mum will grumble abt providing), tt I refuse to receive the good tt ppl gives.. I'd rather be the one giving than to be the one on the receiving end..
Until I met my Godma abt 2yrs back.. Perhaps its because Godbro was alrdy old enough.. (now 33).. My Godparents often pamper me as though I was their own.. I felt so loved such tt I felt I wanted to do back the same.. But I cant.. due to my own limitations.. what I could offer them back then was offering my time to help her in her work (coz we were in the same coy, just diff branch) so tt she can knock off early, spending time w/ her etc.. It was then, tt I had learnt how to appreciate providence.. It was then, tt I learnt tt I need to learn how to accept the love ppl pours over me.. They just wanted to larvish their love unto me.. There is nothing I can do, except to accept it.. and not reject the good tt Divine Providence has sent me.. I am really glad to be able to reflect on how God has worked through the years.. by sending ppl one after another to help me in my journey..
I recalled I was sharing w/ L,G & B tt day during group sharing.. tt in the past, I only know how to give.. there was no feelings involved.. It was more of a v practical & realistic condition tt ppl need, so we give.. But just as I learnt how to accept the love ppl covers me w/ (as I put down my ego), I learnt to appreciate the meaning of giving.. The joy of accepting the love ppl gives, is equivalent to accepting God-sent.. If we reject the love ppl gives, we are rejecting God's offer.. It was the love & joy tt had been given when we give.. We want them to accept the love tt we larvish onto them so tt they too, can pass it on..
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Some past testimonies for His unconditioned love in terms of giving
Although I'd been running away frm Him, He never failed to provide for me.. Each time I'd given away something, He will always give me back another thing in return.. Just as He started to flash some of the "major projects" which He'd helped me w/ over the yrs.. The way where I always get something out of nothing.. w/ His help..
(1) Tsunami "event"
I recalled how helps were offered.. Although mum was saying tt she does not have $$, on the day PY, S & I went shopping for the things to be sent over to Red Cross, mum forked out the money.. Gosh! The group of us only intended to get some necessities with our own savings.. mum tagged along, and forked out extra.. I do not know where on earth she gets the money frm, but I believe it must be God's doing.. coz mum never fails to support me in community works.. We bought a total of 4 trolleys of basic necessities, food and portable water which we squeezed onto S's mini van.
(2) Sze Chuan Earthquake
(http://adelinelourdestan.blogspot.com/2008/06/1st-june-2008-sunday.html)
(http://adelinelourdestan.blogspot.com/2008/06/12-june-2008.html)
I recalled tt I was on my own this time round.. (coz perhaps mum started to be less-supportive due to our own limitations esp of what happened to bro) Well, I felt tt I was on my own.. But in reality, to think back, I wasnt.. I supposed I was alrdy posted back to SNS GR at tt time.. (I cant really recall much details of the on-goings, I just recalled through my past entries.) We needed thick clothings, blankets & food to be sent.. So I'd mass smsed several of my friends who wouldnt mind donating clothes (instead of asking them for food coz we would usually want food in mass packages cartons for ease of logistics).. Due to God's grace, the response was overwhelming.. My ex-boss (frm JE branch) told me tt she'd instructed all her staff to bring the things to store for donation & would like me to help to arrange for transport frm my team to pick up the stuff.. "I was on my own" initially coz I was more of like "extras" in Share-On where they only approach me when they need help coz I was too busy w/ work.. So I started on my own w/ the mass sms.. not knowing the response would be tt great.. but God has sent me friends last min to help me in the delivery.. not just clothes, blankets etc.. but also cereals, milos and food..
Oh gosh! I really cant imagine how God has helped me.. despite being in difficulties myself at tt time.. I remembered I had my own limitations coz I wasnt earning too much.. But God would never fail to surprise me w/ donations frm others, sponsors, and also discounts. hahaha!! Looking for food (good & cheap & quantity) was not difficult at all when I was at the supermarket.. coz all it takes was just to ask them to order the stock on a specific date and I would collect them.. the best thing was especially when we know a certain promotion is taking place and we would buy in bulk so tt we can save on tt & spend on other products..
(3) cant really remember
Another earthquake or what (which I really cant remember what it was and where it took place.. but i remembered it was after the one in SzeChuan which I wasnt involved physically w/ Share-On). I recalled how Sharon called me so last min, asking me to help her to look for "good & cheap" food which they wanted to send over.. They have the budget but just need the stock.. Ya.. they had somehow considered me as the best person to get stocks.. coz if I cant get frm one outlet, I can always get frm another outlet.. & apart frm knowing which promotion items to get, I've got staff discount as well.. I remembered how God amazed me w/ this "event".. The one at SNS JE was merely half a roll-cage of food & cereals, the one I'd gotten at SNS CCK was 2 roll-cages!! W/ God's grace, the store mgr & dept mgrs had actually donated their FOCs to us.. at the risk of getting complaints.. Instant noodles, biscuits etc..
I remembered I was kind of struggling to pay for my sch fees at that time (supposedly abt $600+) but somehow I do not know why (I believe things will work out fine), I still took out abt $400 frm my savings acc for the goods.. Sharon wanted to pay me w/ their budget but I felt they should keep it for future usage coz their funds werent tt high as well. Mama C was the only one who knew abt it coz she saw me pushed away the money which Sharon offers to give me..But had told her not to let any one know..
The next thing I know was tt God "had arranged" w/ the school to send us letters (frm the govt) indicating tt there will be further subsidisation of our school fees frm SDF & my sch fees for tt sem was less than $400!!! I was really amazed at how God has worked.. not only to answer my prayer of wanting to help Sharon & team, also to ensure tt my end doesnt get affected.. With the following mth's salary, I could make up my fees and pay them to sch.. Neither do I need to delay.. Its simply awesome..
(4) CNY'10
I was quite shocked to receive a sms frm Sharon so last min to help to prepare CNY cookies for 12families, to be ready in abt 4days.. 2yrs back, it was 6 families and this yr was 12families.. Oh no!!! No budget.. how how how?? the qty has doubled and furthermore, I was no longer in supermarket.. Its not easy for me to get access & to store my order due to heavy loads in supermarkets during CNY period. W/ the grace of God, my family members has agreed to fork out $50 each to help to contribute to the CNY goodies.. because it has been a long long time since we last buy in bulk for others during festivals.. be it buying annual groceries & mandarins for sjh, fruits for family friend's home-temple (something like home-church) etc.. I remembered passing a v casual remark sometime last christmas, "mee.. seems like it has been quite long since we last buy groceries for sjh.. can we?? this yr can??" i got bombarded in a way.. but seemingly.. God had an alternative plan in mind.. & tt is this CNY. hahaha!! So awesome..
This post isnt meant to "boast" abt what my family & I had done.. but rather, its to praise God for His grace & love in helping us to make the choice.. coz each act has been accompanied w/ the trust in God's providence and grace.. Its not abt expecting something in return, knowing tt God will give us something back after we give away something but.. its abt knowing how God will fulfil our needs.. Its His generousity tt has "awed" me.. Generosity as in the $$$ which I thought I might want to let go of.. I ended up having no worries w/ the $$$ I'd given coz God will give it back to me in another way.. We, mere humans, have nothing. Everything belongs to Him & we are merely His instruments in helping Him to "distribute around" & pass it on.. If its meant for us, He will give it to us again..
Thank God.. for always being w/ me in this journey..
**Always Keep Him in your heart. In everything, give thanks.. for it is God's will for you in Christ Jesus..**
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